the journey through

I was trying to create a whole new blog for this ______ (I don't know what to call it)... time in my life/transition/whatever because at the moment it defiantly doesn't feel like an adventure - but it was too complicated to I'll just try and write a bit on here.

Though it doesn't feel like it belongs here - because it wasn't planned - this big dark black cloud - in hind sight I saw it coming - making it's presence known - creeping into the corner of the already unsettled sky - it was never meant to get this far - to storm - to pour - to make the sky of my mind go black and the rain drops run down my face as tears. Black cloud you were not welcome here.

But you came. I feel like I let you. I caved. I gave in. You were and are strong BUT maybe it's not as simple as that.

Anxiety. Depression. Transition. Adulthood. Trying to leave your mark. Find your niche. Or as Uni of Otago likes to say to "find your place in the world" which I've discovered does not happen at a university - not exactly - not simplistically - not for me.

black cloud

3

Uni Year Three 

Here we go again.
Some things have changed, some things have stayed the same.

Same familiar soundscape of O week. Loudness, chattered excitement, alcohol, freshers.

Different flat - a uni flat.
2 kiwi hosts
4 international students (all from the USA this semester)

5/777 Great King St. (The Lofts)

Different degree - BSc majoring in Neuroscience
A finalist = graduation in December (all going well)

No compulsory course approval

Jemma and I still taking on the world.

2015 Dream

Opa.

Here we are 3 years on, you're still gone and we're still remembering.
I never really been good at these formal family remembering sessions.
Something in me breaks - snaps.
So much has changed since you left.
Just so much change.
I don't deal with it well, obviously.
You were steady.

As each year passes I get this uncomfortable feeling that my memories of you are getting less and less sound. They're slowly turning to dust.
So maybe I just fill in the blanks with how I wanted you to be.
An exaggeration?  Maybe.

I do know you were kind. Slow to anger. Patient. Hopeful. Grateful. Took delight in the little things. Felt for the oppressed.

I don't know Opa. At times I wish you were still here just too talk to, take walks with. But your presence wouldn't fix everything, as I make it start to sound in my head...

I miss you.

I love you.

From my broken, messy heart to your transient, eternal spirit.

Second year = COMPLETE

it's done.
i hung in there.
it wasn't easy at times.
when everything seemed to be falling apart.
and i wanted to give up.

support. love. perseverance. patience. hope. prayer. breath. search. self-discovery. lessons learned. journey not destination...

neuroscience, 2nd year uni, flatting @ 39 chambers street = COMPLETE

reflection

What becomes of curious minds.

We found WONDERLAND.

Love t. swift

STUDY PRISION

we both went mad

Nearing the end... of 2nd year.

So near the end.
1 exam done, 3 to go.
I have 8 days to study for back-to-back exams.
Then free... (kind of)
I still have to figure out how the summer is going to work...
For right now I'll keep anticipating Taylor Swift's new album and the listen to it non stop and watch Miranda Sings and her fiancé on youtube. (and eat donut muffins)

12:00am 

A Block

Maybe just writing things down on a page will help me actually write something for this research proposal.... I'm blocked and I'm anxious and can so easily get in a bad frame of mind...
Yo-yoing back and forth between I have to do this, I need to pass terms, I just need to get something on the page to I don't want to do this, It will magically go away, I'm weak and I want out.
CRAZINESS!
The annoying thing is I feel like I can sit the final exams but its just these stupid open ended assignments that send my brain into a mess of ruminative, negative, depreciating thoughts. It's like I'm just letting myself fall into a self-fulling prophecy. Great. Taylor JUST WRITE SOMETHING. FAILURE IS OK. It's NOT the end of the world, the sky isn't going to come crashing down and sallow me up into nothingness.
I just kept going to different sources in the hopes that they would have something different and profound and all encompassing to say, a miracle cure, a way out and breakthrough. No such luck, as I knew all along. I'm my own worst enemy caught up in the tangles of my own mind, tripping me up, trapping me a prison of my own dysfunction. Powerful but in a wicked witch of the west kind of way.

yup.