the end of 1st year.

I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(for 3 months)
HSFY is complete, all exams sat, assignments completed etc etc etc.
Now here I sit in my bare room, almost as bare as it was the day I arrived and stare out into the clouded sky. What a year, what a course, what experiences, what tough times, what fun times, what discovery.
life.

empty room

it was the centre of my universe. (the end of HSFY)

It felt to weird condensing my whole years work into one folder jut now:

HSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHSFYHS_________________________________________________________________________________

It was the centre of my universe. not now. 

These last 8 months have been a whirlwind, a headache, a heartache, a triumph, a mystery, a joy, a weight, a hope and of course a journey. HSFY you are done. 

(MAOR 102 I'll come back for you later...) 

night before 1st 2nd semester final exam

I looked like this, this morning:

Should be doing this right now:

But I look like this...

EXAM TIME!

study day.

Chilled studying. I know it sounds weird but even though we only have 2 full days left to study for the HUBS 192 exam I didn't really feel stressed today, I just got on with it. Mainly the GI system from the aptitude book. Insert me in good old tut room 1:

Listening to worship music and talking to Sai and etc etc etc Goodnight. 

City Lights.

Looking out over the Dunedin city lights tonight. Got me thinking about the "adventure" that has been this year and how I'm nearly at the end of it. We had our final formal dinner tonight and the food was delicious, the people were good company and the music was entertaining but it got me pondering some things... 
I always seem tot be drawn towards stories or pictures or moments of meaning, of life and of connection but have I actively pursued that this year? No, not really. I long to experience life's great triumphs of human spirt and discovery, of kindled souls and moments that are meaningful or light or shocking or inspiring. But truthfully I have often just hauled my self up to my cupboard room and procrastinated, by myself, on my own. How am I supposed to 'taste the fruit of life' by myself? Not that I haven't had great experiences this year I just look back and know that I could have been much more involved. I can't be annoyed that I don't have deep meaningful friendships or a bunch of great "university" experiences if I didn't put myself out there so to speak. The longing is there but there's a disconnect between fantasy and action in the real world. A daydream believer... 

live in my own world

:( :( :(

I HATE Māori ESSAYS!!!!!!!!!!

procrastination=late night=grumpy girl!

a photo is worth 1000 words.

PHOTO BLOG POST 

Teethy grin

THIS IS NOT A BOOK

Teddy and Me

One more week.

Until mid semester break, 1 more test, then 1 week of freedom :) Happy about that.

Friday night happiness.

Health Science First Year...

Words that define this course so far: 

Homeostasis
Diabetes
Haemoglobin 
Mechanisms 
GLM's (guided learning modules) 
terms tests
cascades 
structure/function 
pseudo stratified ciliated columnar epithelium with goblet cells 
late nights 
early mornings 
lecture theatre techs 
St. Davids 
Competition
live-stream
550 faces in a crowd 
white pressed lab coats 
stamina 
chasing after seemingly impossible, unreachable, don't even know what I really want dreams... 

not feeling it

I so not feeling it this week. :( Tired, chronic procrastination, terms test on Saturday, Maori essay I can't start, time of the month etc, etc, etc But lets try reverse phycology.... I'm grateful for my bed, my health, my warmth, music, sunshine on my skin and in my eyes, "we're all in this together" reality and being able to lean on another. Shower, sleep, study, lecture, eat, repeat.

me at 11:14pm 

semester 2

So here I am again in my little cupboard room, number 208, 74 Gladstone rd, aka AQ -Aquinas College. Ready for semester number two of year one at the University of Otago. HUBS 192, BIOC 192, HEAL 192 and MORI 102. Bring it on!

How did I get here?

How did I get here at the end of semester 1??????????? 4 months have flown by. A time to relax and possibly having to revaluate if my results are lacking....... freedom for a little while.

the end of semester 

Library Confinement.

Miserable day + library = :(
What a wried place, unnatural quietness and middle of the night vibe.

Rain...

Rain and another week ahead... 4 weeks left of lectures then the semester 1 final exams. Time flies.

thoughts and song...

Sometimes I think we feel as though we all carry demons, of our past, our flaws, our insecurities or of our failings. So we are scared to let people in as we could potentially damaging them, hurt them. I think "Imagine Dragons" have captured this feeling well. Here's their song "Demons"

changes....no I'm stuck.

Everywhere I look it seems everyone around me is blossoming into new people as they enter new phases of life. Not me. I feel stuck. I haven't changed, grown up or bloomed into some beautiful form of my former self. I'm just here at uni in a hard as course and living in a merry go round. Maybe my world is moving to hard and fast that I don't have time to keep up! Thoughts.

Stuck.

Only @ Uni...

Story of the day:

My alarm woke me up @ 7 as usual and I promptly turned it off to have another 10 minutes of shut eye... 37 minutes later. Staring at my clock in disbelief I jumped out of bed and chucked on the clothes nearest to me (thus YELLOW craziness, insert photo) and my notes and run down the stairs to catch the shuttle that we get here at Aquinas. Get to uni and realise the ridiculousness of my attire as some fellow student briefly stare at me. Fast walking I make it to the lecture theatre in time to have one of the most challenging physiology lectures in HUBS we've had yet at 8 in the morning. Lovely. To top that off I've got a physics mid term test tonight @ 7 and I'm supposed to be studying right now. This doesn't happen in the real world. Only @ Uni.

Yellowness.

Study.

Cells test material of craziness.

Physics study sheet of DOOM.

Here's just a selection of the mountain of work I'm facing @ the moment, I'll be glad when it's over with!

I don't want to.

I don't want to be sitting here in the common room TrYiNg to study when it's a beautiful sunny day outside. I don't want to have a sore back from sitting so much, due to study. I don't want to feel like a hermit that never see's the outside world, except for lectures. But it's happening. Life of a (unmotivated, procrastinating, tired etc. etc. etc.) uni student.

Magic fairy...

Oh how I was there was a magic fairy who could take care of all my needs, to wave her magic wand and shinning dust over everything
With a flick of her wrist or a twirl of her hips the world would be transformed, from struggle to peace happiness in every pore
Oh but really that's not it, I want her magic for much more selfish deeds, to do away with hard work and study to replace them with ease
As I am still so tightly, yet mostly out of sight, clinging onto fairytales of good fortune and delight
No work to be done as she will make the knowledge magically flow from the page into my head, no long hours of practise and repetition as she will work her MAGIC instead

I wish.....

I'm living in a fantasy world and I don't know why I don't want to work hard for what I'm passionate about! A mystery to ponder as I still wait for my fairy to appear. 11:30pm thoughts.

Holidays.

Holidays day 5 now, wow.
Trying to relax but knowing I need to study do not go together. Chemistry and Physics study here I come.....tomorrow.

Work and Play

Nearly...

Nearly there. The mid-semester break is looming, two days away! A much needed break and a time to catch up on studies. I had my first university test on Saturday, it was fine, we'll get the results soon. Not much has happened since I last posted, study, test. chill, sleep, lectures, eat and repeat. Though I think I'm slowly starting to get used to it here....maybe. 

Inspiration Wall

University is...

UNIVERSITY IS...

STAMINA 

LATE NIGHTS AND EARLY MORNINGS 

THIRD WORLD FLATS WITH SHOPPING CARTS AND PICKET FENCES

BROKEN GLASS ON SIDEWALKS 

A GHOST TOWN DURING LECTURES 

LONELY

LARGE 

AN INFORMATION OVERLOAD MACHINE 

MONEY 

A CHALLENGE 

A GATEWAY 

ANOTHER FORM OF CONFORMITY 

FREEDOM

COMPLEX 

THE SAME OLD ROUTINES 

WALKING THE SAME PATHS 

A PATH YOU HOPE MAY LEAD 

SOMEWHERE WORTHWHILE 

SOMEWHERE bright

thoughts in poem form. 

Homesickness and grey days.

Why does Dunedin wether has to be so grey? It doesn't help improve one's mood. I had a nice day yesterday with Dad and Kirsten but now I feel that familiar twinge of homesickness.... Uni isn't a piece of cake and I'm here trying to navigate it by my self. No-one can do the study for you or make your motivation spring forth. It's on you. I want a rewarding job but it's like I'm not prepared to work for it- not how the world works! Sleep and study now. More like try to study.

2 weeks in...

Tiredness, lots of content, amusing lecturers and high school revisited.

So when the vice-chanceleur get up to speck in front of the incoming year of students her remarks don't always hold true as I've found out and instead a crazy man in cargo pants has more of an idea of uni life. "The cliques of high school do not apply here, everyone has something to contribute...." Really? Well not yet. I didn't think it was possible to drag high school slug with you but apparently it is. Little stings of high school trauma still pervade, people still haven't grown up yet. If you have any weakness one will still exploit it. Help me, I thought uni was were the nerds ruled and no one was too different. Don't worry it's not as bad as I'm making it sound.... :) just thoughts on the experience thus far.


Now the crazy cargo-pants wearing man. He was right. You go along then you dip down and you come up the other side, maybe multiple times, maybe once. I've gone along and down I think I'm starting to take the roller coaster of uni adjustment down. I guess it has to happen.

Little fish big sea.

So I still haven't found my place yet, my niche, my rhythm. I lie here in bed while the wild events of tonight are just starting, running down the halls, yelling, laughing and of course drinking alcohol, copious amounts. I don't know what I'm doing to be honest. I'm I studying enough? I don't even know how to study! I'm almost scared to work hard. Maybe I've never had to work hard for something in my life. Mostly, subconsciously I'm probably afraid to fail. FAILURE. I don't want to work hard and then fail.

Some parts of this first week have been great, these little glimpses of what university could be like. The engaging HUBS lab, passionate lecturers, hearing interesting, intellectual conversations in passing etc. Though despite this I still feel like a little fish in a big sea, almost scared to swim. I really don't know what I'm doing!

Tierd girl.

It's nearly the end of the week...nearly. I had my first HUBS lab today, that was fun! Overwize it was just a busy, tiering day. SLEEP.

Fresher Flu.

Here's a soundscape of my lectures today........ chatter, chatter, chatter, silence as lecturer begins to speak etc. 5 mins later.... "the use of electron microscopes 'cough' in micro-'cough' biology has revolutionised 'cough, cough...cough' the way we 'cough' can investigate cells." And so this cough chorus continued for the rest of the lecture. The explanation this disturbance, the dreaded fresher flu. I personally have NOT contracted it yet but it is highly probable that I will soon. :( My only defence are a container of multi-vitiams and sleep. Let's hope it's enough to hold it off for awhile!

Actual start.

Tomorrow is officially my first day of university as lectures commence. How do I feel about this? Excited, nervous, slightly apprehensive and full of expectation. UNIVERSITY is upon me, no going back from here.

No more life.

So, Keron the "academic mentor" recently let the college know we should be "pre-reading" 4to 6 hours a day before our lectures even start. Ok if you think that's bad he informs us that next week when lecture begin we will be doing academic related work for 10-16 hours a day! When does that leave time  to eat, sleep enough, shower, exercise and just generally relax? I don't know but I'll keep you updated. lol save us please.

Official.

So after approximately 2.5 hours of standing in lines for signatures, computer input and my student ID photo I am officially course approved! And I have my student ID as proof of my efforts....

Now I'm off to dinner (which to my relief does include salads and vegetables and not just carbs) and than to a welcome presentation and finally a hypnotist show. Fun in sunny Dunedin.

Show your face to the morning.

I am HERE. Not much has happened yet... I still haven't unpacked fully in my little cupboard room: number 208. The city lights glow orange-yellow out my window if I crock my neck and squint my eyes a little. I've put up some photos and now to sleep.

One more night.

One more night until uni and I'm half packed, calm and it still feels quite surreal. I'm not sad about leaving home really just apprehensive about all the unknowns. Will the hall work out? Will I make good friends? Will the course be too challenging? etc. etc. etc. We are good at pretending we have it all together when really our insides are going at 100 miles a minute trying to figure things out, but thats ok it's better than not feeling at all. So I'm all poised at the end of the metaphorical diving board, about to jump in.

Start.

So here I am..... at the start. 3 days until I start my university adventure and navigate the waters of health sci, hall life and most importantly student life. Plunge in head first... I have no choice. We'll see how it goes.